Shaun Fletcher 570 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Hello Folks, As an extra this month I'm going to hold a Christmas Joke Competition. All you have to do is tell us your best Christmas Joke, and the ones that makes my mum laugh loudest on Christmas Day will win. (Got to do something with my mum as she's coming round mine for Christmas.) So all Jokes need to be in by 1200hrs GMT. There will also be 3 prizes again 1st Prize = 3 Download products of your choice. 2nd Prize = 2 Download products of your choice. 3rd Prize = 1 download product of your choice. Please try to keep the jokes as cleanish as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaspis29 29 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 I got some... Mom can I get a dog for Christmas? Please!? -No, you will get a turkey as anyone else! Every man has 3 phases in his life: 1.He believes santa 2. He doesn't believe santa 3. He is the santa... What do you get when you out together a warewolf and a snowman? -A frostbite! Well even if I don't win, I hope your mom will laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TF-197 28 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Here are mine, Happy holidays people ( btw would be nice to get some Christmas Smilies on the Forum SherlockHolmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and abottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hourslater, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up atthe sky and tell me what you see." "I seemillions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And whatdo you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, 1. Astronomically, ittells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 2. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 2. Horologically, I deduce thatthe time is approximately a quarter past three. 3. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful daytomorrow. 4. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are asmall and insignificant part of the universe. But whatdoes it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes issilent for a moment. "Watson,you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Threelittle old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking about this andthat. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. Thismorning I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was justabout to go up or if I had just come down." "Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I wassitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had justgotten up." The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, mymemory is just as good as ever, knock on wood." Sherapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaun Fletcher 570 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Share Posted December 1, 2010 Hello TF-197, Remember they have to be of a Chrismassy nature the jokes, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddz 737 55 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 just for laugh's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-OvVewdkPA 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt_Smith 1116 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 just for laugh's How do you tell someone that though? With out of course having to eat loads of yucky sprouts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPetroSS 542 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 I don't know, but I keep laughing as I look at this: 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Britishairways777 1 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 An ''homemade'' one. Santa Claus says to his reindeers: ''Okay lads, where are the reindeers with white noses? I need some landing lights!'' Good luck everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPetroSS 542 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 An ''homemade'' one. Santa Claus says to his reindeers: ''Okay lads, where are the reindeers with white noses? I need some landing lights!'' Good luck everyone! Good one!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Britishairways777 1 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Good one!! Glad you like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmiloZ 24 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Got some video and then a joke! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yv29p_w--4w Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better. "Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again. "Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise. Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner. He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Niko 11 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Dear Santa! All I Want for Christmas - it's your list of bad girls for the last year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snave 466 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Dear Santa Just a short note to welcome you this Christmas, and to remind you that there's a `little something` for you under the tree. Last Christmas, when you came down the chimney, you brought some soot and muck down with you and I did spend the whole of Christmas Day cleaning up around the fireplace. Those sooty boot prints just get everywhere! Please try to be more careful. The year before, when you filled my stocking you inadvertently left the aftershave bottle upside down and it leaked. Those stockings aren't watertight y'know, so the alcohol dripped out onto the rug, an ember from the fire landed on it and the whole room went up in flames, taking all the familys` presents with it. After the fire brigade had damped everything down we had our Christmas turkey on garden chairs in the garage. Stop, drop and roll, OK? Then the year before you'll remember we left you a mince pie and a glass of sherry on the table? Only reason I mention it, when we got to them ourselves on Christmas Night somebody had eaten all the pies - and the bottle was empty! Had a bit more time on your hands than you thought, eh? And I'm sure you've heard about the incident with grandma the last time she came to visit us for Christmas the year before that? You'd thoughtfully left the presents under the tree as ever, but I think you may have parked the sleigh a little inappropriately because you left a nasty red gouge on the bumper of my brand new car, and when the kids went to help granny out of the back seat she stepped in what can only be described as `reindeer poop`. Of course with the fuss about the dent we didn't notice! But after we all settled around the fireplace we had to keep beating the dog. Poor thing just didn't know what it had done wrong and was subsequently seized by the RSPCA... We don't have any pets, now. Or any no-claim bonus, come to think of it. And I haven't spoken to mother since. So this year dear Santa, I hope you find the `little something` to be our thanks for the yearly visits! If you violate this Restraining Order, those elves of yours will be taken into care, subject to psychiatric assessment for the impact of slavery. Your property and assets are to be seized at the North Pole - and Rudolf and the boys can expect to be burgers before the beginning of January. I've informed the Inland Revenue of your little business sideline `one day a year`, the CAA as you never filed a flightplan for any of your trips nor do you appear to have a pilots license, and I'm paint-matching the sleigh for an insurance claim and the forensic people are matching that boot print against the database of known offenders... I don't recall we ever invited you into our house in the first place and a chimney isn't a mode of entry for anyone up to any good. Merry Christmas! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TF-197 28 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Hello TF-197, Remember they have to be of a Chrismassy nature the jokes, ahh ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt_Smith 1116 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Very funny Snave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddz 737 55 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 .. Long, but well worth the read! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt_Smith 1116 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
permastream 39 Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Here is mine: For days, during the Christmas period, a child left his house going to see a beautiful bike in a shop window. Because his family was very very poor he decided to send a letter to Santa Claus: "Dear Santa Claus I really like A BIKE. Can you buy it for me? PS: If it is to heavy, don't worry, just send me 200 euro and I'll buy it by my self." The letter arrived at the post office where curious consultants, after reading it, decided to collect the money. Someone 10 €, someone else 5€, the chief 20€ ... and so on, and they managed to get 190 euro together. The child who was looking forward to the letter got the envelope. He opens slowly the envelope and see the 190 € inside. He decides to send a response to Santa to thank him, before going to buy the bike and wrote: "Dear Santa Claus, THANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, BUT THE NEXT TIME PLEASE SEND ME A CHECK BECAUSE THOSE ASSHOLES AT THE POST OFFICE STOLED ME 10 EURO!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emi 5161 Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 December the 22. Santa needs to perform a test to keep his flying license. He prepares his sled and his reindeers. Then the examiner arrives and he carries a rifle. Santa asks why he has brought a shotgun with him. The examiner answers: "Well usually we don't tell the pilots but we're going to practise an engine fail failure today." Merry Christmas;) 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigBadMacys 1 Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 I got 2 jokes Brunette: "Do you know that Christmas is on a Friday this year?" Blond: "Oh, let's hope it's not going to be the 13th" What Santa says in a hundred years: "Ho Ho Ho are there any white children here?" Oh ... btw MERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS ! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt_Smith 1116 Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 December the 22. Santa needs to perform a test to keep his flying license. He prepares his sled and his reindeers. Then the examiner arrives and he carries a rifle. Santa asks why he has brought a shotgun with him. The examiner answers: "Well usually we don't tell the pilots but we're going to practise an engine fail failure today." Merry Christmas;) Made me lol 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LH747 60 Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Santa Clause called for a priority landing because one of his reindeers was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told Santa that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," Santa remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." real ATC-conversation, a bit modified by myself. what a creative topic, there are so many good jokes:D After Christmas, I will stop flying flight simulator <= good one, too. That will never happen! cheers Max Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt_Smith 1116 Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 After Christmas, I will stop flying flight simulator <= good one, too. That will never happen! cheers Max Isnt that more of a lie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul K 93 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 Brunette: Christmas Day is on a Friday this year Blonde: I hope it isn't the 13th. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emi 5161 Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 Brunette: Christmas Day is on a Friday this year Blonde: I hope it isn't the 13th. read befor posting, -we already had that one 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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