frkaipanika 9 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Happy holidays!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddz 737 55 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Happy holidays!! Thats just sick!.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OleAndreasen 88 Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 One Smart Christmas Redneck "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OleAndreasen 88 Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven. The guys are greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter. "In honor of the season", St. Peter says to them, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas." The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks him. "They're candles!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!" The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they symbolize?" St. Peter asks. "They're bells!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!" The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly. "What do they symbolize?" St. Peter asks. "They're Carol's!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OleAndreasen 88 Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining not getting paid for the overtime they had worked to make all the toys before the Christmas rush. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was Furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike. Now Mrs. Claus is in the sack with flu, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do? Just then, the little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a scruffy looking Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree came to pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lennart B. 6 Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 Strange Illness: It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings. He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly. 'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man' The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man. The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong. "No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lennart B. 6 Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 A Car For Christmas Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. 'Okay.' said his father 'I tell you what I'll do. If you can get your 'A' level grades up to 'A's and 'B's, study your bible and get your hair cut, I'll consider the matter very seriously.' A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said 'I'm really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I'm very disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut yet. Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. 'Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I've noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.' 'Yes. I'm aware of that...' replied his father '... but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lennart B. 6 Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 Christmas Knickers Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long. So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal. He then engaged the help of his sweetheart's younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together. Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store. However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note : 'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. Billy' 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emi 5161 Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 Hello Shaun, Did your mum laught enough? Or is there need for more yokes? Regards Emi 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ioan92 10 Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 Christmas Knickers Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long. So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal. He then engaged the help of his sweetheart's younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together. Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store. However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note : 'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. Billy' That's just epic! I wonder what the reply was! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaun Fletcher 570 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Share Posted December 26, 2010 Hello Folks, Competition locked my mum couldn't get through them all so will finish them off today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaun Fletcher 570 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Okay folks, Here are the winners I had to help my mother understand a few 1st Place is Lennart B. 2nd Place is Snave 3rd Place is Delta777 Well done folks e-mails coming your way soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OleAndreasen 88 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Congratulations to the winners. Thanks for the laughs. .. And a Happy New Year to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lennart B. 6 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Wow, that is good news! Thanks a lot Aerosoft, and as Ole said, thanks to anyone else for the laughs! Wishing you all a good year 2011! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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