Let's Have a Laugh!

[Dotsalgon 13]

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[Dotsalgon 13]

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[Dotsalgon 13]

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, b***h, so put the tray up!"

[Bruce Hamilton 97]

A pilot radios the control tower to change cruise altitude, "Tower, Seven Alpha Kilo requesting flight level 800." A rookie controller on his first day is feeling a little cocky and replies "Seven Alpha Kilo, climb and maintain flight level 800, if you're sure you can handle it!" The pilot replies "Roger, Seven Alpha Kilo descending from Angels 10 to flight level 800!"

[Just Fly 56]

ATC: "Quiet winds, no trafic. You're autorised to land runway 32 or 14, as you like"

Pilot: "Which one is longer?"

[Just Fly 56]

ATC: "Air France 123, are you flying an Airbus 320 or 340?"

AF 123: "A 340, of course!"

ATC: "If so, could you please start the two other engines and increase your rising speed to 1000 ft/min or more?"

[Just Fly 56]

1976, New-Zealand:

ZK-ABC: "Wellington tower, Alpha Bravo Charlie with you. Could you please switch the runway lights on?"

WN TWR: "Alpha Bravo Charlie, Wellington tower, the airport is closed because of fog, you cannot land there."

ZK-ABC: "Wellington tower, Alpha Bravo Charlie, I already landed, I just cannot find the hangar."

[Just Fly 56]

"In the last edition of the American magazine "Meat & Poultry", the redaction quotes with pleasure a recent paper from the newspaper "Feathers", member of the Californian Poultry Industry Fed., where the journalist told a true and interesting story:

It seems that the FAA has a unique way to test the windshield shock resistance of a plane. This system is composed with a "gun" that launches dead chickens onto the windshield at a speed of a flying plane.The theory is simple: if the windshield resists to this shot, it should also resist to a real collision with a living bird. The Belgians were very interested and decided to test the windshield shock resistance of their new high-speed train model. They asked the Americans to lend this "chicken-gun", armed it and shot. The chicken explosed the train windshield, wend though the mechanic's chair, destoyed all the instruments before finishing its run on the cabin door. The Belgians, a bit surprised, asked therefore the FAA to verify the validity of the test. The FAA started a procedure, made an investigation. Finally, they publicated the following recommendation: YOU MUST DEFROST THE CHICKEN BEFORE THE CRASH!"

[Paul K 93]

ATC: "Air France 123, are you flying an Airbus 320 or 340?"

AF 123: "A 340, of course!"

ATC: "If so, could you please start the two other engines and increase your rising speed to 1000 ft/min or more?"

I like that one!

[Just Fly 56]

I like that one!

Do you want more? OK, let's go:

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD, what would you like to do?"

G-ABCD: "To get my ATPL (*Air Transport Pilot Licence)"

ATC: "No, I mean the next 5 minutes, not the next 10 years."

[Dotsalgon 13]

ATC: "Quiet winds, no trafic. You're autorised to land runway 32 or 14, as you like"

Pilot: "Which one is longer?"

LOL!! Is that from Kos Ippocratis International Airport??? LGKO-KGS ???

Dot...

[bruin 3]

ATC: PH-1234 remain at current altitude.

PH-1234: I'll try, I'm flying a glider.

Ground: KLM 1234 take taxiway A to the runway, watch out for workers on the end of the taxiway

After a few minutes:

KLM 1234 checked the workers, they were all working.

[chucky 10]

Drunk pilot:

[Just Fly 56]

Pilot: "Call me a fuel truck, please!"

ATC: " Roger, you are a fuel truck."

[Just Fly 56]

Two drunk fighter pilots were flying in formation:

Leader to W1: "Can you see me?"

W1 to Leader: "No. And you?"

Leader to W1: "Me neither"

W1 to Leader: "Cool, we are now stealth fighters!"

[Just Fly 56]

N123: "Youngstown Approach, Cessna 123 asking for two ILS training approaches, then three VOR approaches, two NDB approaches and an ASR approach."

Approach: "Cessna 123, do you want some chips with it?"

[Just Fly 56]

A USAF C-130 is landing at Rhein-Main AFB:

ATC: "AF1733, you are in final for the 27R, 8 miles away from the runway. There is a UH-1 three mile in front of you also in final, please reduce your speed to 130 Kts"

C-130: "Roger, Francfort. We're slowing down the bird to 130 Kts."

Some seconds later, ATC: "AF33, the helicopter is flying at 90 Kts, please reduce your speed to 110 Kts."

C-130: " Roger, 110 Kts."

ATC: "You're three miles away from the runway, 1 mile away from the helicopter, please reduce your speed to 90 Kts."

C-130: "Sir, do you know what's the stall speed for a C-130?"

ATC: "I don't. But ask your co-pilot, I'm sure he knows."

[Snave 466]

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747?

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

[Albrecht 9]

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic

when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway,

and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.

Std: What should I do? What should I do?

Inst: What do you think you should do?

Std: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.

Inst: That's a good idea. (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.

Std: What should I do? What should I do?

Inst: What do you think you should do?

Std: Maybe I should tell the tower.

Inst: That's a good idea.

Std: Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger 123, hold your position — Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

[J.Schweigler 203]

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

LOL

TWR: Are you Mike Victor Charly Juliett?

Ultralight: No we are Fritz and Heinz

[Dotsalgon 13]

(December 2007, Seattle Washington)

Pilot: "Boeing Tower, Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha for a Mercer Departure at Alpha Niner with information X-Ray."

Tower: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, runway 13 right, fly the Mercer departure."

Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, is rolling."

45 seconds later...

Co-Pilot: "Boeing tower, please be advised, there is a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 right at 400 ft."

Tower: (singing) "And I ran, I ran so far away... I just ran, I ran all night and day... I had to get away.."

Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha has humor..."

Tower: (hysterical laughter)

(The lyric incidentally is from the chorus of the 1982 hit song 'I ran' by A Flock of Seagulls.)

[Dotsalgon 13]

Someone sent the following, Mar 2009: A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in 'over the marker' (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don't look back!..." :excl:

[Dotsalgon 13]

Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"

USB: "WHOOPEE!"

[Dotsalgon 13]

Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"

BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"

"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."

QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:

"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"

Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.

Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"

[Dotsalgon 13]

A student ATCer was confused about what to do regarding 2 aircraft that were vectored on parallel (in normal english that means they are flying at the same flight[url=http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviation/read.main/2145554/#] level both on the same headings with a bunch of nautical miles between them). The aircraft were on the wrong side (i.e the one on the left had to go right and the one on the right had to go to the left and were not supposed to climb or descend).

Coach: So, how will you solve this situation?

Student: *raises finger* I'll show you how, gimme a moment

Coach: OK

Student: Speedbird456, traffic 3 o'clock, 6 miles, type A332, FL340

Speedbird456: Maastricht Radar, traffic in sight

Student: Lufthansa332, traffic 9 o'clock, 6 miles, type B777, FL340

Lufthansa: Maastricht Radar, have the traffic in sight

Student: Allright... SWITCH!!!

Coach: *Starts strangling student*

LOL