Let's Have a Laugh!

[EmiloZ 24]

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, b***h, so put the tray up!"

Do you want more? OK, let's go:

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD, what would you like to do?"

G-ABCD: "To get my ATPL (*Air Transport Pilot Licence)"

ATC: "No, I mean the next 5 minutes, not the next 10 years."

ATC: PH-1234 remain at current altitude.

PH-1234: I'll try, I'm flying a glider.

Ground: KLM 1234 take taxiway A to the runway, watch out for workers on the end of the taxiway

After a few minutes:

KLM 1234 checked the workers, they were all working.

Pilot: "Call me a fuel tank, please!"

ATC: " Roger, you are a fuel tank."

Two drunk fighter pilots were flying in formation:

Leader to W1: "Can you see me?"

W1 to Leader: "No. And you?"

Leader to W1: "Me neither"

W1 to Leader: "Cool, we are now stealth fighters!"

A USAF C-130 is landing at Rhein-Main AFB:

ATC: "AF1733, you are in final for the 27R, 8 miles away from the runway. There is a UH-1 three mile in front of you also in final, please reduce your speed to 130 Kts"

C-130: "Roger, Francfort. We're slowing down the bird to 130 Kts."

Some seconds later, ATC: "AF33, the helicopter is flying at 90 Kts, please reduce your speed to 110 Kts."

C-130: " Roger, 110 Kts."

ATC: "You're three miles away from the runway, 1 mile away from the helicopter, please reduce your speed to 90 Kts."

C-130: "Sir, do you know what's the stall speed for a C-130?"

ATC: "I don't. But ask your co-pilot, I'm sure he knows."

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747?

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic

when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway,

and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.

Std: What should I do? What should I do?

Inst: What do you think you should do?

Std: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.

Inst: That's a good idea. (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.

Std: What should I do? What should I do?

Inst: What do you think you should do?

Std: Maybe I should tell the tower.

Inst: That's a good idea.

Std: Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger 123, hold your position — Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

These are awesome!

[Delta777 272]

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

---

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

---

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."

Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"

[Dotsalgon 13]

Achtung is attention but what is SPITFEUR???

[darem 106]

Achtung is attention but what is SPITFEUR???

A spitfire.

[Just Fly 56]

ATC: "Mission 123, are you having problems?"

Mission 123: "My compass doesn't work anymore."

ATC "Looking at how you're flying, it's all your instruments that don't work..."

[Just Fly 56]

KLM 242: "Good morning Francfort, KLM 242 requires starting clearance."

ATC: "KLM 242, because of slot, waiting time is 2 hours for starting."

KLM 242: "Confirm TWO HOURS?"

ATC: "Yes, Sir."

KLM 242: "If so, cancel the "Good morning" !"

[Dotsalgon 13]

Flight announcements:P

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

On Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

:lol: :lol:

Regards

Dot...

[Just Fly 56]

There are some funny videos made by our Canadian friends:

The Pilot (part 1)

The Pilot (part 2)

The Pilot (part 3)

[Albrecht 9]

Hope you understand this, although it's in german dialect...

(Hackermovies because it's from Steffen Hacker)

http://www.hackermovies.com/racing-beats

[Dotsalgon 13]

Rules of the Airways!

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!

[bruin 3]

PH-1234: Request for landing instructions.

ATC: Fly left pattern for landing at runway 06 and keep the blue side up.

[Dotsalgon 13]

This was written above the urinal at a flight school.

"Pilots with short props or low manifold pressure please taxi a little closer"

[Dotsalgon 13]

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

(Don't want to offence Germans but this did happened...)

[Aerosoft Team [Inactive Account] 51558]

Radio voices over airbase that has some B52's and a few 104's training close to the base:

B52: "Tower, BUF2, we got one engine that's running hot, it's shut down, we are inbound, 5 min out, request priority."

Tower: "BUF2, we got you on radar, you are number one and we'll keep other traffic clear."

Unidentified pilot (likely a 104): "Oh boy, hope you make it with only seven working engines."

[Bombayduck 7]

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

[Enders 2]

Tower: KLM two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.

Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Tower: Lufthansa eight-six-one-oh cleared for take-off.

Pilot (LH 8610): We haven't landed yet.

Tower: Who's lined up on two-six south?

Pilot (LH 8801): Lufthansa eight-eight-oh-one.

Tower: Well, YOU're cleared for take-off then.

In the holding patern for the runway in Amsterdam.

KLM: Ahh DELTA A330 could you come on the chat freq. please.

No respond

KLM: Delta A330 could you please come in on the chat freq.

DELTA: we professionals dont come on chat freq. when we should be monitoring the taxi sequence.

KLM: ok

KLM: Tower could you inform the Delta A330 infront of us that the gear pins are still in.

A moment of silence

Delta: Tower Delta 4502 request taxi to the gate.

[falcon2571 0]

The Qantas 737-800 was boarding at Brisbane (YBBN) terminal for the evening flight to Melbourne (YMML).

All went well, the aircraft was cleared for a 19 south departure.

Checks were made,pushback,start up and taxi to active and an added bonus cleared for immediate 19 dept.

Quite uneventful actually, just another normal flight for the crew after a long tiring day.

After reaching cruise altitude and the seatbelt signs were turned off the cabin crew (Biscuit chuckers as we lovingly call them) started serving the inflight evening meal.

Now, as we all know the different seating sections of the aircraft have their own specific cabin crew to serve them. First class,Business class and cattle class. OOPS, I MEANT ECONOMY.

In the First class section in a seperate seat down the back was a stunning young blonde woman sitting alone and three rows back from the others. The meals in First class were served according to the boarding list and this young lady was not on the seating plan. Hmm.....

One of the cabin crew went and said to this stunningly gorgeous young lady, "We don't have you listed in First class. May I see your boarding pass and ticket?"

The young lady handed them to the cabin attendant and they showed that this young lady was actually economy listed.

The cabin attendant then requested that the young lady vacate the seat and move back to the economy class of the cabin to which she flatly refused and said "I am young,I am beautiful and gorgeous and I am flying to Melbourne first class"

This bewildered the cabin attendant but she repeated this request three more times and got the same answer and that young blonde flatly refused to budge....... Ok,Time to go see the captain. He'll sort it out she thought.

The cabin attendant went to the cockpit and told the captain the story, to which he replied "Ahh, No worries. I am married to a blonde, I speak blonde, I know how to think blonde, I'll go and sort it out, just watch me ".

This sort of stunned the cabin attendant but she acknowledged and followed the captain out of the cockpit into the first class section where the captain said "Just stay here, I'll go and speak to her"

Well, he did speak to her and a few minutes later the young blonde got up out of the seat giggling, a slightly embarrassed look on her face and disappeared into the economy class section and took a vacant seat.

The cabin attendant approached the captain and said " That was amazing how you got her to move. What did you say to her?" to which the captain replied ,

"Well it was quite simple really when you get on the same wavelength as a blonde and think the way they do and see it from their perspective,

I simply told her on this flight first class is not going to Melbourne".

No offence to blondes as I am one.

Rgds Glenn.

[falcon2571 0]

And another one from me. This is one I read in a magazine. I have changed a bit so not to infringe copyright but the story and outcome are the same. I don't know if it is true or not but it made me laugh.

2 RAAF F/A-18 Hornets from 2OCU (which is our conversion unit onto these fighters) are at Williamtown (YMML) ready for an exercise out to restricted area R596 for an operational ground fire exercise. The Pilatus PC-9 from FAC (Forward Air Control) is already out there and ready to mark the area and guide these fast jet guys in and hopefully they can get some "kills".

Now there is quite a mean thunderstorm and electrical activity in the area today.

Hawkeye 2 and 3 are ready to go. All clearances are received so the boys are up in the air heading towards R596.

The FAC PC-9 is awaiting the inbound call from the boys and will start marking targets when they are in the holding area.

The boys call ready at holding so the PC-9 starts marking the area.

FAC tells Hawkeye's to go HOT and armed and for Hawkeye 2 to come on in.

FAC gives Hawkeye 2 grid for first target. "HDG 186,ground object truck," Pick TGT lock, load and fire when on TGT, I acknowledge HOT".

Hawkeye 2 comes in at 450 kts and blasts this truck with the guns then climbs out and calls off as cold. He calls FAC and confirms TGT hit.

Next thing massive bang, a huge electrical storm opens up over the area.

Hawkeye 3 is still holding and is given grid for second target. "HDG 212,ground object fuel dump," Pick TGT, lock, load and fire when on TGT, I acknowledge HOT".

Hawkeye 3 comes screaming in at 450 kts, lined up, the HUD in targeting is centered on the dump and all of a sudden just as he is about to fire another huge bang from the heavens. A lightning strike envelopes the cockpit and a blinding flash. He keeps going onto the target finger on the trigger and pulls up. Goes vertical and over the top into a chandelle.

What a top bit of flying.WOW..............He resumes track and backtracks the target.

FAC asks him to confirm "kill"

He can't he says.

FAC says"What do you mean you can't confirm a kill. All this money we spent on you flying a $42 million dollar aircraft and you can't confirm a visual kill?."

"Why not"

The pilot sheepishly replies:

"I had my eyes shut"

Can we go home now?.

As I said I don't know if this is true or not so no law suits from the RAAF please.

On the last note a quote my instructor gave me many years ago.

" Aluminium comes from the ground and makes many things such as aircraft. When it crashes it goes back to the ground. Humans go earth to earth dust to dust. Aluminium just goes back to the rightful place where it came from in the first place".......A human has never beat metallurgical properties.

Rgds Glenn.

[Dotsalgon 13]

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

[Dotsalgon 13]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Guest M31]

RAF Banter By Monty Python

The cast:

BOVRIL

Terry Jones

SQUADRON LEADER

Eric Idle

WINGCO

Graham Chapman

PILOT

Michael Palin

VOICE OVER

Michael Palin

The sketch:

Somewhere in England, 1944

A squadron leader, just off on a mission, runs past, and dashes into a Nissen hut

The squadron leader enters an RAF officers' mess and takes off his helmet

Bovril: Morning, squadron leader.

Squadron Leader: What-ho, Squiffy.

Bovril: How was it?

Squadron Leader: Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

Bovril: Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader.

Squadron Leader: It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy. Bally Jerry ... pranged his kite right in the how's yer father ... hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

Bovril: No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today. Give us it slower.

Squadron Leader: Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Squiffy.

Bovril: Hold on, then. (shouts) Wingco!

Wingco: Yes!

Bovril: Bend an ear to the squadron leader's banter for a sec, would you?

Wingco: Can do.

Bovril: Jolly good.

Wingco: Fire away.

Squadron Leader: (draws a deep breath and looks slightly uncertain, then starts even more deliberately then before) Bally Jerry ... pranged his kite ... right in the how's your father ... hairy blighter ... dicky-birdied ... ... feathered back on his Sammy ... took a waspy ... flipped over on his Betty Harper's ... and caught his can in the Bertie.

Wingco: ... No, don't understand that banter at all.

Squadron Leader: Something up with my banter, chaps?

A siren goes. The door bursts open and an out-of-breath young pilot rushes in in his flying gear.

Pilot: Bunch of monkeys on your ceiling, sir! Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered.

General incomprehension. They look at each other

Wingco: Do you understand that?

Squadron Leader: No, didn't get a word of it.

Wingco: Sorry old man, we don't understand your banter.

Pilot: You know ... bally ten-penny ones dropping in the custard ... (searching for the words) um ... Charlie Choppers chucking a handful ...

Wingco: No, no ... sorry.

Bovril: Say it a bit slower, old chap.

Pilot: Slower banter, sir?

Wingco: Ra-ther!

Pilot: Um ... sausage squad up the blue end!

Squadron Leader: No, still don't get it.

Pilot: Um ... cabbage crates coming over the briny?

Squadron Leader: No.

Wingco, Pilot and Bovril: No, no ...

Stock film of a German bombing raid.

Voice Over: But by then it was too late. The first cabbage crates hit London by July 7th. That was just the beginning...

And the Video

[Cris B. 120]

Ah… That one is not too hard to follow as long as you have wogle-wagle on the brain or if you are a member of the "Institute for Silly Walks".

Translation:

“Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how’s your father.”

The German pilot flew his plane into a crossfire situation.

“Hairy blighter”

A reference to the German pilot.

“dicky-birdied”

Got shot up.

“Feathered back on his Sammy”

Cut or lost power to his engine.

“Took a waspy”

Opened his canopy

“Flipped over on his Betty Harper’s”

Rolled his plane into an inverted position. (A common maneuver during WWII when a pilot was trying to bail out)

“Caught his can in the Bertie”

Got tangled up in the parachute shroud.

[Guest M31]

Ah… That one is not too hard to follow as long as you have wogle-wagle on the brain or if you are a member of the "Institute for Silly Walks".

Translation:

“Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how’s your father.”

The German pilot flew his plane into a crossfire situation.

“Hairy blighter”

A reference to the German pilot.

“dicky-birdied”

Got shot up.

“Feathered back on his Sammy”

Cut or lost power to his engine.

“Took a waspy”

Opened his canopy

“Flipped over on his Betty Harper’s”

Rolled his plane into an inverted position. (A common maneuver during WWII when a pilot was trying to bail out)

“Caught his can in the Bertie”

Got tangled up in the parachute shroud.

I'm sorry Cris ... I dont understand your banter at all?

[Aerosoft Team [Inactive Account] 51558]

RAF Banter By Monty Python

And the Video

Contact support@aerosoft.com and tell Shaun to give you a free product as thanks for making me laugh at the end of a long and hard day.

[Guest M31]

Contact support@aerosoft.com and tell Shaun to give you a free product as thanks for making me laugh at the end of a long and hard day.

WoW .... Thanks

I'll contact Shaun tomorrow.

Cheers.